Over the last few generations, parenting has been changing. Most of the older generations somehow thought your baby being “attached” to you was a bad thing, but why?
Has anyone ever told you:
- “You’re going to spoil him.”
- “You should just put her down.”
- “You shouldn’t let them nurse to sleep anymore.”
- “You’re going to make her too attached.”
It seems like they feared if their baby was consoled when crying and always responded to that it meant their baby would grow up to be too dependent, spoiled, or just take advantage of you. So, let’s talk about that!
Clingy Babies
There is no such thing as a “clingy” baby. Your baby will want you because it’s biologically normal and healthy!
They only know and feel safe with you, and they can’t help that because they grew inside of you.
Your baby may cry often when you put them down or when you’re not sleeping with them because those aren’t primal behaviors for humans! Believe it or not, we are meant to be holding our babies very often and sleeping with them! I always highly recommend checking out Dr. James McKenna’s research on co-sleeping in the Mother-Baby Sleep Laboratory.
Furthermore, humans are the only primates who walk on their two legs all the time. And throughout history, we’ve walked and traveled a lot for safety and resources. Some people think this is why many babies are so settled while being swayed or while babywearing.
Regardless, babywearing does a great job mimicking being in the womb and walking around all the time, which is calming for your baby.
“But It’s So Hard”
It can be overwhelming and a lot without a community, but this is what babies need. They need to be worn, slept nearby, and breastfeed whenever they need it, including for comfort because that’s biologically normal as well. Being a mother and a parent is hard, especially living in a society like the U.S. that’s not meant to support us.
Utilize any community you have, talk about your feelings, and get help when you need it. You can also check out ways to make breastfeeding easier that you probably won’t hear from your pediatrician!
Figure Out What Parenting Works for You
I know it can be difficult but don’t listen to people who try to give you advice on separating the bond you made with the baby you grew in your body. It shouldn’t be this way.
I did not struggle with others’ comments about my parenting because I knew the mom/parent I wanted to be when I was pregnant, and I started my research on how to do it successfully then. And I’ve stayed overall consistent with educating and improving myself as a parent.
Check out these 5 Positive Parenting Books That Will Change Your Life!
The Identity Shift of Becoming a Parent
Parenting a baby can be exhausting and overwhelming!
When you become a parent, it’s a whole identity shift and most of us are not prepared for it. But what makes this more difficult for us in the U.S. is that we’re not in a society that supports this.
Although everything biological in you will tell you to keep your baby close, almost everything in our society is still saying the opposite.
Why Are We Pushing Indepenence on a Baby?
Believe it or not, but we aren’t meant to be independent at any point in our lives! We are naturally interdependent beings.
And there’s nothing problematic about a baby who gets fussy when they’re alone and not touching you or your partner. Again, this is the only way they can feel safe.
Your Baby Being Attached to You Isn’t a Problem to Be Fixed
Your baby being attached to you is so healthy and normal.
This is basic child development. I’ve studied in college how babies form attachments to their caregivers, and this is how they will go on to have healthy attachments to other humans throughout their lives!
We are setting the foundation of their relationships for the rest of their lives. And remember, it’s even normal for us adults to want to be close and have attachments to people! Especially if we feel scared.
It’s Not a Breastfeeding Issue
Although your baby isn’t hungry 24 hours a day it’s completely normal for them to want to be held for 24 hours a day!
And it’s okay if your baby starts fussing while you’re taking a shower or something. Just finish your shower or finish eating, try talking to them, stay next to them, and it’s okay!
You continuously responding to them will lead to them having very secure and healthy relationships much later in life.
So, When is the “Much Later” I’m Talking About?
Your parenting will be shaping your child as they grow up the entire time. But when it comes to seeing true independence and noticing their healthy attachments and relationships, this will be when they’re teenagers.
My daughter is only 3 years old if I get comments about how I should be “harder” on her or anything like that, I only recommend whoever said it to read The Whole-Brain Child.
3 years old is so young and so little. And so is 6 and 10 years old! These are very little kids whose brains are still, at 10 years old, not even halfway finished developing!
As parents who chose to bring these innocent little humans into this world, it’s our responsibility to nurture them to the best of our abilities and recognize where they’re at in life and what we need to do to be good parents. Our children don’t owe us anything but we do owe them much more than the bare minimum when we can provide that.
What if Your Baby Only Wants the Birthing Parent?
This is also completely normal, although I know it can get overwhelming. But your baby will first be attached to the breastfeeding parent, and that’s just how it is!
Skin-to-skin with the other partner can help over time.
This is when everyone else around you needs to step up and help with everything else like the laundry, dishes, other children, etc. You shouldn’t have to be doing it all yourself.
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